You've slapped on two litres of Davidoff, donned your lucky Superman auto boxers and managed to turn up on time. But where's your date now? Perhaps she's a psycho, andis watching you from a balcony somewhere. Ah, no here she auto comes. Naturally she'll be expecting atoken of your affection, just make sure you play it safe. Anything wacky and you'll be off the menu.

Your halfway up the stairs, but that doesn't mean you can auto get away with giving her a boxof all gold and that cut glass decanter you got free with 30 litres of diesel. By now, she'll expect you to know her tastes intimately, and prove it by purchasing something extravagant, expensive andexclusive.

Now that you've been together six months, she'll no longer be able to shrug you off as a cheap fling. This will worry her. She'll start imagining togo lino club a life of servitude, soiled nappies and skulking off to thetoilets on nights out in order to ring the babysitter. So move quickly to ally her fears by lavishingher with something racy.

By some sick, twisted quirk of fate, valentine's day is also your wedding night. The horror, she'llbe expecting something spectacular, something that'll help her remember the occassion forever. Plus you want it to be saucy enough to give the frisky minx some unholy ideas. It is your wedding night afterall.

Ah, the honeymoon period. She'll be serving you pancakes every morning and offering to take the bins out at night. You'll be scattering rose petals on the bed and making concerted effort to hit the targetwhen taking a whizz. Being apart for more than a nanosecond is a melodrama. So get her something that saysI want to be there.

By now, the highlight of your weekend will be stripping down the carburettor on your midlife crisis, while the highlight of hers will be unscrewing the cap on the Swarfega for you. You need to reignite the passion,before she does a Thelma and Louise and embarks on a high octane joyride to Slough, never to return.

Go See Now.